I suffer from mom-comparison. It’s a thing. And when I googled it, just now, there’s 53.4 million results… I can only assume you do too.
Why am I soooo tired? Others moms are up in the night and they can still function. Why is my house such a mess all the time? Other moms take time to clean their house during nap time. I can’t survive without a nap during that time, or at least a pretend nap where I lay on the couch and try to shut my brain off. My husband does the night time feedings for our newborn because I’m so exhausted, even with 8 hours of sleep. How do all of the moms of the girls in my daughter’s preschool class have time to do elaborate hairstyles each morning… by 9 AM?!
The answer is simple: they don’t have an autoimmune disease. I know because I was that mom… the one who did my daughter’s hair each and every morning. The one who had exercised, read scriptures, eaten a healthy breakfast, and showered before my baby woke at 7 AM. The one who had cleaned the house and already done all the dinner preparation during nap time; so that when my husband got home we could just have fun together as a family. The mom who loved messy crafts, building houses out of cardboard boxes, and playing monster tag.
Now I’m a different kind of mom. The one who drops off my preschooler in pajamas….. And picks up my kindergartener still in those same pajamas. The one who’s house is a constant mess and “just can’t seem to get her kids under control.” The one who has no energy for monster tag and the thought of doing a craft makes me want to hide under the covers and never come out. Or just pretend "we're all out of paper. Yep, there's no more paper, or string, or glitter in the entire house. It vanished." The mom who battles depression and yells at her husband and kids then goes to bed with guilt…. so much guilt.
Autoimmune diseases are no joke. They lead to much more than just chronic fatigue. It’s more than just being tired. It’s being drained…. constantly drained, so far in the negative that there’s not even hope to ever return back to the black. And that leads to depression. Hating yourself because you’re this uncontrollable monster who does and says things you thought never even imaginable. You’re eating gluten and dairy free, taking vitamins B12 & D3, including fish oil, iron, and daily green smoothies. Even trying energy work, emotion coding, body talk… but it’s not enough. Thyroid medication… Zoloft…. Exercise…. Hobbies… Hiring help…. But it’s not enough. It’s never enough.
I want to want to spend time with my kids. I really do. I want to be excited to spend Christmas break baking, crafting, playing…. All 14 days in a row…. I really do. But I don’t. I don’t want to do any of that.
I want to be less of a burden to my husband. He steps up in every way: housework, cooking, playing with the kids, putting the baby down for naps, doing the night-time feedings for our baby so that I can sleep, giving me girls nights whenever I want / need them… and he never asks for anything for in return. He doesn’t watch sports, or go out with the guys. He never asks for time to himself. I want to be a person capable of taking care of myself. I don’t want my husband to continue pleading “what more can I do?!” because I know he’s already doing enough… or at least it should be enough. But it’s not.
Between the endometriosis pain that either gives me non-stop annoying pain for 3 weeks at a time or crippling pain for 3-4 days straight without any warning or pattern; and the hashimotos that drains my energy levels to a basically non-existent level… I’m disappointed in the wife and mother I am. I never saw this as my future life. Never did I think the thought of having my kids home from school break would cause so much anxiety: how will I entertain my kids all day every day while juggling naps for the baby and my constant need for a heating pad / stomach relaxers? But this is my life… right now. And maybe someday it will get better.
What is an autoimmune disease, you ask? “An autoimmune disease is a disorder that occurs when the body’s immune system attacks and damages its own tissue. This type of condition may affect one or more organs or tissue types, and it has been shown to more frequently affect women than men.” Tiniakou E, et al. Sex-specific environmental influences on the development of autoimmune diseases. Clin Immunol 2013;149(2):182-91.
And your body is constantly exhausted because it’s defending itself from itself each and every second.
Do you have an autoimmune disease? Maybe… find a doctor you trust and get some labs done. Many doctors had run labs for me and nobody found I had Hashimotos until I met with a hormone specialist. I’ve seen dozens of doctors, paid thousands of dollars on procedures, and not one doctor told me that possibly my pain could be related to endometriosis. That diagnosis came from a mom on a fb group who cared enough to refer to me a surgeon. And thank goodness she did… because living 17 years with untreated, unbearable pain has been (at times) a living hell.
I’m not the mom I hoped I would be. Sometimes I have to text all of the moms in my neighborhood because I can’t remember who my kids went to play with, if they even told me at all. I’ve had to quit breastfeeding, even when it was going so well, because of my relentless stomach pain. I can’t take stomach relaxers when nursing because they take 9-12 hours to leave your system and cause apnea in babies. I feel like I have to explain that every time I pull out a bottle for my 9 week old son.
I’m not the wife I hoped I would be either. My depression gets the best of me sometimes…. Right now, it’s most of the time. I’m triggered by everything and blow up over nothing.
But this is what I need to remember, and what those of you with chronic pain, fatigue, autoimmune diseases, etc. need to hear: It sucks right now but not forever. Eventually, it will all be made right. One day the right balance of hormones within your body will align and you’ll be you again. And then they’ll get all messed up again, but you’ll return. And if you don’t return, you’ll adapt. So I need a nap every day to survive… big deal. I don’t have energy to play monster tag right now, we’ll read books instead. My house is a disaster… guess what: NOBODY CARES and if they do then they can clean it. Focusing on all that I’m not does nothing to help me move forward. Endometriosis and Hashimotos has given me new perspective and empathy for other moms. And receiving a diagnosis has given me FREEDOM to be ok with my best in this very moment.
My husband and I have always been very aware of our thoughts. Most self-help, mind-over-matter believers would tell you to “stop telling yourself you have a disease. The power of your mind will heal your body.” But I’m telling you that it’s ok to be human. It’s ok to not be perfect. Be far from it! If you’re like me you’re guilt-ridden because you can’t achieve your own high standards. It’s so frustrating to be stuck in this body that can’t function the way I want it to. So accept it. I’ve come face-to-face with the fact that I have chronic pain and fatigue and that has given me the freedom to accept myself for who I am right now. I don’t have to compare my messy house to a neighbor’s clean one. Or the way the Joneses kids sit quietly at church and mine don’t. I often feel judged by others, like I can feel their glares piercing my soul, telling me that I suck at parenting… and I totally do…. Right now. The truth is, if other moms had the exact same challenges I did, they would be a hot mess too.
So….If you know someone suffering from an autoimmune disease:
-DON’T judge them. Don’t judge their house, their parenting, their decorating, their kids lack of “school spirit” on dress-up days. That mama’s exhausted! She doesn’t have time or the mental energy to put together a pilgrim outfit for the “Thanksgiving Feast.”
-DO grab a few extras when you’re buying accessories for your kids dress-up costume and give them to the teacher for the poor children whose moms are too tired for the shenanigans.
-DO load her dishwasher if you happen to be standing in her kitchen while chatting.
And if you’re that poor mom suffering from a chronic symptom, you’ve got this. One day it’ll be better. But for now, lower your standards a little and be kind to yourself. You're a freaking warrior!
Why am I soooo tired? Others moms are up in the night and they can still function. Why is my house such a mess all the time? Other moms take time to clean their house during nap time. I can’t survive without a nap during that time, or at least a pretend nap where I lay on the couch and try to shut my brain off. My husband does the night time feedings for our newborn because I’m so exhausted, even with 8 hours of sleep. How do all of the moms of the girls in my daughter’s preschool class have time to do elaborate hairstyles each morning… by 9 AM?!
The answer is simple: they don’t have an autoimmune disease. I know because I was that mom… the one who did my daughter’s hair each and every morning. The one who had exercised, read scriptures, eaten a healthy breakfast, and showered before my baby woke at 7 AM. The one who had cleaned the house and already done all the dinner preparation during nap time; so that when my husband got home we could just have fun together as a family. The mom who loved messy crafts, building houses out of cardboard boxes, and playing monster tag.
Now I’m a different kind of mom. The one who drops off my preschooler in pajamas….. And picks up my kindergartener still in those same pajamas. The one who’s house is a constant mess and “just can’t seem to get her kids under control.” The one who has no energy for monster tag and the thought of doing a craft makes me want to hide under the covers and never come out. Or just pretend "we're all out of paper. Yep, there's no more paper, or string, or glitter in the entire house. It vanished." The mom who battles depression and yells at her husband and kids then goes to bed with guilt…. so much guilt.
Autoimmune diseases are no joke. They lead to much more than just chronic fatigue. It’s more than just being tired. It’s being drained…. constantly drained, so far in the negative that there’s not even hope to ever return back to the black. And that leads to depression. Hating yourself because you’re this uncontrollable monster who does and says things you thought never even imaginable. You’re eating gluten and dairy free, taking vitamins B12 & D3, including fish oil, iron, and daily green smoothies. Even trying energy work, emotion coding, body talk… but it’s not enough. Thyroid medication… Zoloft…. Exercise…. Hobbies… Hiring help…. But it’s not enough. It’s never enough.
I want to want to spend time with my kids. I really do. I want to be excited to spend Christmas break baking, crafting, playing…. All 14 days in a row…. I really do. But I don’t. I don’t want to do any of that.
I want to be less of a burden to my husband. He steps up in every way: housework, cooking, playing with the kids, putting the baby down for naps, doing the night-time feedings for our baby so that I can sleep, giving me girls nights whenever I want / need them… and he never asks for anything for in return. He doesn’t watch sports, or go out with the guys. He never asks for time to himself. I want to be a person capable of taking care of myself. I don’t want my husband to continue pleading “what more can I do?!” because I know he’s already doing enough… or at least it should be enough. But it’s not.
Between the endometriosis pain that either gives me non-stop annoying pain for 3 weeks at a time or crippling pain for 3-4 days straight without any warning or pattern; and the hashimotos that drains my energy levels to a basically non-existent level… I’m disappointed in the wife and mother I am. I never saw this as my future life. Never did I think the thought of having my kids home from school break would cause so much anxiety: how will I entertain my kids all day every day while juggling naps for the baby and my constant need for a heating pad / stomach relaxers? But this is my life… right now. And maybe someday it will get better.
What is an autoimmune disease, you ask? “An autoimmune disease is a disorder that occurs when the body’s immune system attacks and damages its own tissue. This type of condition may affect one or more organs or tissue types, and it has been shown to more frequently affect women than men.” Tiniakou E, et al. Sex-specific environmental influences on the development of autoimmune diseases. Clin Immunol 2013;149(2):182-91.
And your body is constantly exhausted because it’s defending itself from itself each and every second.
Do you have an autoimmune disease? Maybe… find a doctor you trust and get some labs done. Many doctors had run labs for me and nobody found I had Hashimotos until I met with a hormone specialist. I’ve seen dozens of doctors, paid thousands of dollars on procedures, and not one doctor told me that possibly my pain could be related to endometriosis. That diagnosis came from a mom on a fb group who cared enough to refer to me a surgeon. And thank goodness she did… because living 17 years with untreated, unbearable pain has been (at times) a living hell.
I’m not the mom I hoped I would be. Sometimes I have to text all of the moms in my neighborhood because I can’t remember who my kids went to play with, if they even told me at all. I’ve had to quit breastfeeding, even when it was going so well, because of my relentless stomach pain. I can’t take stomach relaxers when nursing because they take 9-12 hours to leave your system and cause apnea in babies. I feel like I have to explain that every time I pull out a bottle for my 9 week old son.
I’m not the wife I hoped I would be either. My depression gets the best of me sometimes…. Right now, it’s most of the time. I’m triggered by everything and blow up over nothing.
But this is what I need to remember, and what those of you with chronic pain, fatigue, autoimmune diseases, etc. need to hear: It sucks right now but not forever. Eventually, it will all be made right. One day the right balance of hormones within your body will align and you’ll be you again. And then they’ll get all messed up again, but you’ll return. And if you don’t return, you’ll adapt. So I need a nap every day to survive… big deal. I don’t have energy to play monster tag right now, we’ll read books instead. My house is a disaster… guess what: NOBODY CARES and if they do then they can clean it. Focusing on all that I’m not does nothing to help me move forward. Endometriosis and Hashimotos has given me new perspective and empathy for other moms. And receiving a diagnosis has given me FREEDOM to be ok with my best in this very moment.
My husband and I have always been very aware of our thoughts. Most self-help, mind-over-matter believers would tell you to “stop telling yourself you have a disease. The power of your mind will heal your body.” But I’m telling you that it’s ok to be human. It’s ok to not be perfect. Be far from it! If you’re like me you’re guilt-ridden because you can’t achieve your own high standards. It’s so frustrating to be stuck in this body that can’t function the way I want it to. So accept it. I’ve come face-to-face with the fact that I have chronic pain and fatigue and that has given me the freedom to accept myself for who I am right now. I don’t have to compare my messy house to a neighbor’s clean one. Or the way the Joneses kids sit quietly at church and mine don’t. I often feel judged by others, like I can feel their glares piercing my soul, telling me that I suck at parenting… and I totally do…. Right now. The truth is, if other moms had the exact same challenges I did, they would be a hot mess too.
So….If you know someone suffering from an autoimmune disease:
-DON’T judge them. Don’t judge their house, their parenting, their decorating, their kids lack of “school spirit” on dress-up days. That mama’s exhausted! She doesn’t have time or the mental energy to put together a pilgrim outfit for the “Thanksgiving Feast.”
-DO grab a few extras when you’re buying accessories for your kids dress-up costume and give them to the teacher for the poor children whose moms are too tired for the shenanigans.
-DO load her dishwasher if you happen to be standing in her kitchen while chatting.
And if you’re that poor mom suffering from a chronic symptom, you’ve got this. One day it’ll be better. But for now, lower your standards a little and be kind to yourself. You're a freaking warrior!
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