If you know me, you know that I'm a planner! I have prepared for motherhood my entire life and wanted desperately to breast feed my children. We all know, breast is best! I took lamaze and breast feeding classes in my final month of pregnancy so that the information would be fresh in my mind.
I talked to friends and tried to get all the information I could. When I asked friends what it was like I heard the usual complaints: painful, cracked nipples, soaked bra and shirt, let-downs at the grocery store, etc. but they all said that it was so worth it! The bond created by breast feeding was incomparable to anything else.
I had always been weary of breast feeding because I'm small-breasted, like never could fill up an a-cup small breasted (TMI)! However my breast feeding teacher assured me that breast size has nothing to do with it. She told me that small breasted women are usually able to produce more milk because there is less fatty tissue to deal with.
So I purchased a $300 Medela Pump in Style (where do they come up with these names?) with my flexible spending account. Yes, you can purchase ANY kind of pump as well as cleaning wipes, breast pads (I think), and ANY kind of bottles with a FSA. If you know you're pregnant or going to be pregnant during open enrollment for a FSA put the maximum amount of $2500 (again, I think... always double check my info!) in it; you WILL use it between breast feeding supplies, hospital and doctor fees before and after birth... you might as well get to the spend the money tax free. Anyways, back to breast feeding.....
So I had this great pump and I was so excited to use it and start my special breast feeding bonding experience....
Well my labor did not go as planned (who's ever does?!) (you can read about mine in my post "My Labor Story"and I wasn't able to breast feed right after birth like I wanted. Once I got to hold Haleigh we tried breast feeding... with little luck. My nipples were flat and she couldn't latch on. Luckily I brought a nipple shield and was able to breast feed using that. I strongly recommend bringing a nipple shield to the hospital because you have no idea how your body will react after labor.
With the help of the shield we were breastfeeding pros! I was so proud! She was latching on so well. I had a lactation consultant visit me while in the hospital. We used a hospital grade pump to try to help us not have to use the shield but even the pump didn't fix my problem, so we just kept using the shield.
I never had to worry if Haleigh was getting enough because she was going through diapers like crazy, tons of explosions! By the time we left the hospital she had gone through at least 15 poopy diapers!
Our last day at the hospital my pediatrician (who I met for the first time because a different pediatrician was on call for the first few days) told me that my milk may never come in, some women never get milk... This is not true! He told me I need to give her formula until my milk came in. When we got home we had a good day, except for my excessive sobbing. We gave her 2-3 oz of formula throughout the day because the doctor told us we had to give her formula to reduce her jaundice. Then that night Haleigh cried for hours. We couldn't get her to stop. I would feed her but she wouldn't stop screaming! We called the nurse on call and she told me that we needed to give her formula because she was hungry. I didn't want to give formula because my breastfeeding teacher said that giving formula will can hurt the baby's gut and take 21 days to repair the damage. Plus, it hurts your supply.
She hadn't pooped since we had been home from the hospital. We finally got her to stop crying by inserting a q-tip into her rectum to help relieve constipation. After that she stopped crying and went to sleep. :)
The next day I went to a lactation consultant because I was extremely engorged, like rock hard! After a lot of massaging during nursing we were able to relieve the pain. She assured me that we were breastfeeding well and that I didn't need to use formula; using formula instead of breastfeeding is what caused such bad engorgement in the first place. We weighed Haleigh, then I fed her, and we fed her again and she had gained an ounce. She told me that I was doing fine and to continue breastfeeding without formula. So I did and it was going great.
After a week I went back to the lactation consultant to try to breastfeed without the shield. No luck. I had to use the shield. This made breastfeeding much harder. I always had to carry a shield on me. If I didn't have one, I couldn't feed my baby. Plus the shields are clear and very easy to lose! I lost and had to repurchase shields too many times to count... and they're expensive, $10 each!
When Haleigh had her 2 week growth spurt it was miserable! She wanted to eat 24/7. I carried her around shirtless, attached, in a sling! We both got no sleep! I dreaded the 4 week growth spurt.
Her 4 week growth spurt was when it all fell apart. I had no more endurance to carry her around shirtless all day and night. So... I started using formula after each feeding to get her to stay full longer. I visited the lactation consultant again and this time after weighing we found that I wasn't producing enough. She was only getting half of what she needed from me. The consultant told me that in my case I had to supplement with formula until I could get my production up. In the mean time I was supposed to feed Haleigh, then pump for 15 minutes after EACH feeding. This made every feeding around 45-60 minutes! I was barely getting an hour or two of sleep at a time each night and was beginning to fall apart. Also, I was told that my $300 pump was not good enough and that I should rent a hospital grade pump for $50 a month. So I did... between the pump rental and weekly lactation visits, I was spending more money to breastfeed than to just use formula!
At 5 weeks Haleigh started screaming during nursing. She would eat from a bottle but not the breast. I wondered if she was allergic to my milk but that wasn't right because she would drink pumped milk. So I stopped breastfeeding per say and would just pump and bottle feed. I visited the lactation consultant again and she said that I just needed to work very hard at breastfeeding and try to wein her off the bottle. I was supposed to feed her less and less pumped milk or formula until she started working harder to get milk. I was also put on the prescription Reglan which can almost double your supply; however the downfall is that it can intensify depression. Before the consultant put me on the rx she asked if I had depression symptoms. I told her I did not, because I was in denial at that point. I thought I was just upset about the difficulty I was having with breastfeeding. It was frustrating talking to friends and finding that they could pump 4-8 oz but I could barely get 1 oz after 20 minutes of pumping! My husband, Adam, would come home to me sobbing about the little I could pump. I started to base my worth off how much I was able to pump. I felt worthless. The one thing I was supposed to be able to do as a mom, I couldn't do, I was a failure (in my mind). This is definitely where my depression started to progress.
After a few days of that she would scream more and more when I would feed her. Finally I took her to the doctor after hours and found that she had an ear infection. This is why would eat from the bottle but not breast, she didn't have to suck as hard which would hurt her ears. They put her on amoxicillin. I continued to pump and bottle feed because I knew that her ear hurt, plus I liked the fact that I could really see how much she was eating. After a week of the amoxicillin her infection got worse and they had to put her on a stronger anti-biotic. Finally 2 weeks later her infection cleared up.
By that time I decided to stop breastfeeding though. I wanted desperately to breastfeed but the struggles were wearing on me and causing me to become more and more depressed. I talked to a friend and explained that I was embarrassed about quitting breastfeeding. I didn't want to be "one of those moms" that gives up because it's hard. She told me that it doesn't really matter if I breastfeed or not as long as I'm happy. If using formula helps me to feel less pressure then why not?!
Once I stopped breastfeeding, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I was able to go anywhere, anytime! I just packed a bottle and I was off! I no longer had to be the only one getting up in the middle of the night. Adam was able to help me on weekends so I could get some rest. My mom and mother in law would come and stay the night and get up with Haleigh in the middle of the night sometimes when she was first born but it was pretty pointless because if i didn't feed her I still had to pump to relieve the engorgement. Bottle feeding was the best thing I ever did for myself! When I first quit I would say that next time I will try harder to make it work. I will push through the ups and downs, etc. But now I honestly don't think it's worth it. Formula gives your baby all the nutrients they need. Personally, I don't think I will breastfeed again, at least not exclusively. But that's a double edge sword. If you want to breastfeed just morning and night you still have to breastfeed exclusively for a while until your supply is great enough to start cutting back. I used to worry about people judging me for not breastfeeding, after all there is such a strong pressure in society to breastfeed now days. But my emotional health was more important than continuing to struggle like I was. When I stopped breastfeeding I became a better mom because I could stop worrying about how much I was able to pump and focus on spending time with my little one.
I support anyone and everyone who wants to breastfeed. I think it's wonderful and admirable! However, if you struggle with it, please don't feel obligated to torture yourself to conform to society's expectations. Do what makes you happy!
If you're wondering what it's like, or how to go about drying up your milk supply keep reading.
Just take it slow. Begin to delay pumping or breastfeeding for an hour or two until you have to help the engorgement. Feed your child for less and less time each feeding or pump for less and less. You'll get to the point where you can just self express a little throughout the day. Continue doing this until it no longer hurts and you no longer get engorged. Please don't just follow my advice though. Talk to a doctor, lactation consultant, or anyone who is more qualified than me to speak on the matter.
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